GRRR

I bought a scanner from this dude on Ebay. He said that it was used in an office with no problems. So you would think that means that it works, yes? NO! The damn thing won't even turn on. And of course since I bought it on Ebay, I didn't pay a fortune for it, but by the time you added shipping in with it, it was close to the amount I could have bought a new one for. Not happy.

Riding the Rail to Chicago.

It seems like all I blog about is my job and being (or lack there of) pregnant. Well, unfortunately this blog is no different but I have some other interesting stuff to relate also.

I have just taken a different job. I almost literally had a job fall in my lap that I could not resist. It is a 8-4:30 job, Monday through Friday, only weekends if I didn't get my work done during the week and no holidays. HOW can someone refuse that??? True I will be working 5 days a week, but it is a very flexible office and I can take off if I need off. When I worked 3 12's at the hospital it took me 5 days anyways to recover from the 3 I worked. I know, I'm a wimp but oh well. So I start this job very soon and I am so excited about it.

My kiddos just took a trip with my parents to Chicago. The cool thing about it is they rode the train from Fulton to Chicago, something that even I haven't done. They LOVED it. They were a little cranky today, mom and dad said, but they only got about 4 hours of sleep total last night. They took Anna to the American Girl store and bought her a new doll, which she was totally ecstatic about. They are going to come back down through Indy and they are going to take Gavin to the official Colts store there. He is a Manning freak. Although, he thinks (not without some feeding info from my dad) that my father is really "secretly" Peyton Manning. How he has him convinced of that, I have yet to figure out.

Not pregnant, but still working on it. I feel good about this month. Keep you posted.

Let the sun shine!

My mood has lightened up drastically. I do not hate everyone and everything, just most:-)! The job is going better, I think I might be able to handle it afterall. I decided that after my orientation it would be best if I went back to nights. I feel better on days, but for school and my kids, nights is better. School seems like it is going to be fine this semester, busy, but fine. Lots of papers for this semester, I hate papers.

I have decided that this month is going to be different in the baby arena. I still took my clomid, but it is going to be a totally different feel. No pressure and no moping if it doesn't happen. I think that has made me feel better already. Maybe my life is just to crazy for now, someone knows better than I.

The kids and I spent the weekend just hanging out. We went to the pool yesterday and I got fried. The water felt sooo good and we spent the day in splashing around. I think I am invincible when it comes to the sun and I rarely put on sunscreen. Hi, can you say skin cancer waiting to happen? I wish we had stuff around the area to do, but there really isn't anything. Bummer.

Much better week, thank you very much.

Down the Path to Self Pity

I am just taking a little walk down the self pity path. Won't you walk with me?

I have started my new job in the ICU at Lourdes, our local hospital. It seems to be a good job, although my new manager seems to think that I can work, oh whenever the hell she wants me to, no worries that I have two kids and an ex husband that I have to share them with. Also, I recently found out that the whole reason I went to ICU, the CRNA program, is now down the toilet. In order to be in the program you have to move to Madisonville, an hour and a half away from here, for 22 months. HELLO, I HAVE KIDS!!! So there is no chance for me to do that right now. And I would rather be doing something else in the hospital. So I am little bummed/pissed about that whole situation. My father says "Boy, why can't you and your sister ever be happy?" Maybe that is true, why can't I be happy???

Then, there is my awesome fertility status. According to my progesterone level, drawn a week ago, I ovulated. According to my uterus, I'm not pregnant. NICE. I mean for real, WTF. Everyone is so sure it is me being too anxious about it, or too fat or my favorite "a fertile couple only has a 1 in 17 chance of getting pregnant the first month." LOVE IT. How is that supposed to make me really feel better? I'm taking a break, and going on a diet. I'm tired of this infertility shit.

Sorry, I was in such a good mood tonight. Thanks for being such great friends and reading.

Changes...

Things have definately changed here lately. The biggest change, I think, is that I am going to work at a different hospital. We have two large hospitals in Paducah, 20 minutes away, and I am going to work at Lourdes. I wil be working in the ICU and I can totally not wait. I have been able to take care of ventilator patients but really that is all because we don't really deal with really critical patients at the hospital I am at. I will get to recover open heart surgery patients, help with hemodialysis and some other really cool stuff I have only just heard of. So big change, one that I am really excited about.

The next change is the fact that I have taken my first round of clomid this month. Hopefully this month, we will be pregnant. I am so tired of waiting and testing and all this other bull crap. I am ready.

The kids and I are starting school this month. They start in a week. I start the 18th of August. I am going to be finishing my BA in nursing, and then going on to be CRNA, if I get accepted. But I have at least 2 years of BA junk to do. So, I am excited about that too.

Lots to do, lots to do...

Gavin's Birthday party

Gavin turned 9 on July 4th. We had his party at the swimming pool on the 6th after a long weekend of family reunioning!!! It was such great fun. The kids didn' t know that they had that many relatives!! I am posting a few pics of party and reunion!

Kings Island

We went to Kings island for the kids birthdays this year instead of buying them a bunch of crap. It was such a good idea, and super nostalgic for me!!! I have been to Kings Island more times than I can remember, but I haven't been since my summer after I graduated. It was so nice to go back. Things had changed somewhat but the memories were still there. There was still the Viking ship, the Eiffel tower, the Racers, the Vortex and my favorite, White Water Canyon!! Of course that turned out to be the kids favorite ride too. And then there was the token butterflies in the stomach right when you are about to go down a huge hill or going up one too. I LOVE THAT PLACE! The kids did too. I love that I could share that with them.

Happy Birthday Anna!

Today is my baby's birthday! Eleven years ago today at 3:08 a.m. Anna came, reluctantly, into this world! She had an awesome birthday party and got lots of nice presents. Here are just some little snaps I took during the party. My little baby isn't a baby anymore!

Drumroll please....

My test went well today. I went to same day surgery at 7 this morning and they started an IV and gave me a shot in the ass of morphine, which turns out I am allergic to. Around the needle insertion site was a big itchy red welt, NICE. After I was nice and welty, and somewhat high off the morphine, they took me to radiology. In radiology I had to assume probably the most demeaning position ever. No stirrups in here, I had to have my butt up on two pillows and then "frog leg" my legs and drop them wide open. Then they inserted a speculum that might have been similar to a small jack, it was not like a normal pap speculum. He put betadine on my cervix and dried it off a few times, then threaded the catheter through my cervix. Actually if there was any discomfort or cramping it was during the abnormally large speculum insertion and the threading of the catheter. And I just felt a little cramping during the catheter part. Then he slowly injected dye into my uterus. I watched it on this little screen, and I really had no idea what I was looking at except I could see a dark splotch growing as he injected the dye. Apparently one tube spilled over real fast and easy but the other one was slower to spill out but did finally. So, final verdict-both tubes are patent. We have an appointment on the 10th for follow up and to make a decision on what comes next. I am very happy about this news, it takes a load off my shoulders.

In other great news, Anna, who's birthday is tomorrow and will be 11, started her period today (please note the sarcasm). We have been expecting it for a while, the mood swings were just about getting unbearable. Bless her heart, she came out of the bathroom today at Friday's and says in my ear "Mom, I had blood on my toilet paper when I wiped". She wasn't freaked out, which I was surprised about since you could hardly talk to her about it without her crying before. I wasn't totally prepared for this day, even though I thought I was. My little girl is not a little girl anymore. I'm trying to think how I dealt with it when I was her age. I was 10 almost 11 too. But I was only in 5th grade. Alright, hows that for TMI tonight.

Tomorrow is birthday party day. It should be fun, she is excited about it. I'll try to post some pics tomorrow night.

Follow the Yellow Brick Road...up my fallopian tubes

Tomorrow is the day that I am having my HSG test. I am nervous, like even nervous is an understatement. Not only do I not really relish the idea of the pain but what he tells me can either make or break my future plans. If all is a-go then we try the clomid and have a half dozen babies at one time. If the tubes are blocked, well, not good. We are then looking at thousands of dollars in either in vitro or adoption, money that I can not imagine that we will ever have!!!!! My tubal reversal doctor is supposed to assume the responsibility if the tubes are blocked or have come apart again, and therefore fix the tubes. All I can say is HELL NO! They had to cut me open like they were fileting a fish. It was possibly the worse pain ever. The actual incision bothered me for weeks and now is a lovely addition to my fat roll but the anesthesia actually took about two weeks to work its way out of my system. So, everyone think good thoughts for me and hope that everything comes out ok.

Well onto a better subject about my already born children, who are wonderful, both of their birthdays are coming up very soon. Anna will be 11 this Thursday, that totally doesn't seem right. She is such cute little girl and is growing up to be a beautiful young woman. She doesn't know it either, that is the most endearing thing about her. I can remember the day she was born like it was yesterday. Gavin's birthday is the 4th of July. He will be 9. He is such a sweet little boy, he tries to be all tough and manly, but secretly he still loves getting hugs and kisses from his mommy! Even when I would go see him at school, he would always run up to me and hug me big like he hadn't seen me in days. I love that! So many kids are embarassed to hug and kiss parents in front of friends. I hope he never grows out of that!

I know that it sounds crazy that I want another child. I have to perfect kids, one boy and one girl, who could ask for more. I have had 3 miscarriages, so I would totally be tempting fate. And the fact that I want another child does not mean I am not happy with my kids I have now, which is something that my mother can not understand. I have a husband who I want to have a child with. I want another child. Maybe that is selfish? Sorry, a little soul searching on line tonight.

Some pictures we took at the St Louis Zoo

These were my favorite pictures that we took that day. We have a fantastic camera.

Infertility and the Busted Window

It has been a few days since I had time, or let's be honest the desire, to sit down and blog but I think now is a good time to catch up.

My car has been out of commision for the last 3 days, sitting in my garage just screaming for me to drive it. But, alas, I couldn't because the back window was busted out of it. Probably one of the weirdest things that has ever happened, well to me anyways. I was at my ex's store picking up something and the kids were out in the car. There was this young jackass, I mean young man, mowing his yard about 5 parking spaces from where I was. Inside the store, we heard tapping on the windows up front and a loud noise like a car backfire. Then the kids came running into the store and yelled "Mom, your window is broke!" Turns out that little shit, I mean boy, had run over a bunch of rocks and since he was blowing the grass towards the parking lot, he threw the rocks all up over my car. It busted out my back passenger side window and put several little dents on the passenger side of the car. I just cried. That's all I could do. The madness and sadness, and PMS, all in one just did me in this time. So for the last 3 days I have been tooling around in my dad's 1985 Mercedes Benz. Do not get me wrong, it is a sweet ride but it has NO AIR CONDITIONING, which is kind of a must when it is 800 degrees outside. The Expedition window got fixed today though so it is ready to roll again. Nice and cool...

On a different note, although it is somewhat like a car body shop when you are all jacked up with your feet in the stirups, I went to the OBGYN the other day re: my infertility. He is going to do a test to make sure that my fallopian tubes are patent, after having the tubal reversal there is a chance that they could have scar tissue buildup. So, that test sounds real fun. The good thing about it is they put in an IV and give me some good stuff to help relax me-yeah! They have to put me in the usual nondignified position with the standard stirups of course. Then they have to thread a tiny catheter into my cervix (this is sounding fun already isn't it?), which they say will cause some cramping. In laymans terms, that means you will feel like they are pulling your insides out with vice grips. After the threading of the catheter, then they have to "force" (I mean, what does that even mean?) contrast dye into your cervix and then by X-ray watch as it spills into your uterus and hopefully through your tubes and out into your abdominal cavity. No really, I swear this is the procedure, I could not make this shit up. So then I possibly get my hopes trashed when he tells me my tubes are blocked. Or they could be patent and then we get to start clomid. Which is a whole other blog where I can tell you how that effects your ovaries and you end up with 4 babies at once. Infertility is a bitch!

I really just realized that my blog doesn't really have a point, like I don't think of what subject I want to blog on, I just write random stuff. Does that make it less of a blog? Or does it then fall into another catagory that isn't blog? HMMM.....

Blog you should read

Hey everyone, this is a friend of my husband's blog. It is pretty awesome, he is a former national guard member (I think) who lost his arm in Iraq in a helicopter crash. He is now on a trip around the US during his summer break from medical school, unbelievable guy. Check it out if you have a chance. http://www.danielsbigtrip.blogspot.com/

A wonderful weekend

I love the weekend. Especially weekends I don't have to work. During the school year, the weekend is the only time I have to spend with my kids. But during the summer, I get to spend all the time with my kids....sometimes that is not really fun. We have joined a swim and racquet club for the summer. So they get to spend a lot of their energy there, but not only do they spend a lot of time with me, they spend a lot of time with each other. Almost too much time. Argue, argue, argue!!!!! Makes me want to pull my hair out.

I officially got toasty fried today. I love the sun but the first burn of the summer hurts like a SOB- yah know.

The fertility horizon is still up in the air. Not sure how that is going to turn out this month. I'm hoping for the best. Still unsure about the lap band, guess I will make an appointment for that too. My mom thinks that my problem is my not having a baby that is making me fat....ummmm, maybe. Not sure about that either.

We are redoing our house. We are repainting Anna's room, painting Gavin's room and I am going to paint the rest of the house too. I need some umph to help sell this thing. Well, when we decide to sell it anyways. Anna's room is going to be pink, uber girlie. And Gavin's room we are going to put a chair rail up and under the chair rail paint it green and dad is going to make it a football field. It should be very creative and cute.

Movie mayhem

So, I went to see Sex and the City. Well, I tried to anyways. The movie was trucking right along and 30 minutes, 30 freaking minutes, before the movie ended the power surged in the theater. And then, no more movie. Are you kidding me??? We got a rain check for the movie so I am going to try and go see it again tomorrow but still now we have to sit through the whole movie again in order for me to see the end. The movie was awesome though so I guess I don't mind. Just irritating, that's all.

I am addicted to spray tanning. I have been twice now and I am still trying to get the basics down, like how not to look like a striped cheetah. A little streaky. I think I may be allergic to it too. That makes me sad, because after I have it done I am SUPER tan, minus the damaging UV rays :-)!

Ok, so now my new thing is...I think I am going to check into having lapband surgery done. I am tired of being fat, and I can't do it and keep it off with diet alone. I need that extra push to keep the weight off. It is really non invasive and I can still have a baby even with it in. They just loosen it so you can absorb more nutrients for the baby. And my insurance will most likely pay for it, otherwise I won't have it done, because of me being obese (love that word). So for today that is my new thing. I may be back on infertility tomorrow. Or both. I'm glad Clay just says "whatever you want honey".

ARGH SCHOOL!!!!

I am trying to get into this RN-BSN program at Murray State. I sent my application in on the 15th of May because there is a summer class that the advisor thought I should take. Well, the admissions people are not processing my application fast enough and the advisor is leaving next year. SOOOO...needless to say, I am not going to take the class this summer because 1) my application is still sitting on someone's desk and 2) the advisor never told me she was leaving, never told me what class it was she wanted me to take, blah, blah, blah! IF I didn't have plans to further my academic career at Murray State after my BSN I would go elsewhere. I hate it when people are not on my schedule!!! :-)

Yeah, I am blogging from work! They have absolutely everything else blocked around here, we can't email, we can't myspace. Party poopers. So I have finally found something I can do while at work. You know, besides work!

My hubby is going to be going on his shift by himself in about 2 weeks. His orientation will finally be over then. He has really worked hard for this job and he loves it, and that I am soooo happy about. He needed to find a job he at least liked. We have been married for 1 year, it was a year Monday. It has gone by sooo fast and I really have enjoyed every minute of it. Next on the list, baby!!!!

Which brings me to the next subject, that could really be a whole post in itself, infertility. I had my tubes tied during my first marriage. And after careful consideration had them untied last October. HMMM, still no baby. The doctor who did my reversal will do infertility treatments on me but not until a full year has passed. I am not willing to wait a year (did I mention I have a problem with instant gratification?). So if I do not get preggo this month, I have an appt with my regular GYN to discuss infertility treatments, starting with a test where the run IV dye through your uterus and tubes to make sure they are open . I mean after spending a freaking fortune on that, I should at least be assured that they are open. Then I will probably go the clomid route, possibly with some Metformin (for PCOS) mixed in there. All of this is speculation of course, because he may not do anything for me either. But I have a way of getting what I want with my GYN, he likes me. I think he will do it just because I ask him to. Cross your fingers for me.

So dirty laundry aired, check. More to come later.

Mini Vaca

I just got home from visiting my sister at her new house. Like I said I LOVE LOVE LOVE traveling, I don't care where it is. I grew up outside of big cities my whole life, Indy and Columbus mainly. I love all of the resources that a big city has, ok let's be honest, I love all the shopping that a big city has. I live in this little city of Mayfield now, and I think it is an awesome place to raise kids. When I graduated, I think I knew 100 of the 600 kids I graduated with. Personally, at least. Now the classes around here have maybe 300 and its nice for them to grow up with their friends. But I have serious city withdrawls, straight up. I think that I may do travel nurse anesthetist when the kids get older.

I also think that I may be a.....shopaholic. I can not help spending money. I love to spend money, it makes me happy. I don't know if it is the fact that I have money to spend that makes me happy, or the actually spending, but I love it. I can not save money for spending it, on little things too. It doesn't even have to be something that I really like or want. Shame, shame.

I have been put on call again tonight-so far this two week period I have only worked 2 times. My check is going to be pathetic. I got a raise though, yeah me!!! I had my year eval the other day and I got a raise. It is so weird that I have been a nurse for a year already. It doesn't seem right. I love it though, it has been more fun than I ever thought it would be. Med surg wasn't really my thing but I am really enjoying CCU. It is something I have to do for nurse anesthetist and I actually feel like I am making someone better.

Ok so guys, I am secretly planning my next trip already. I can't wait to get in the car and drive somewhere else!!!!

I guess it's about time.

Yeah for me! More tomorrow, I am tired...